|The real E.D. Cope|
The following is text from the final banquet of the Joint Meeting of Ichthyologists and Herpetologists meeting in July 2013 in Albuquerque, New Mexico. I was MC and brought up a very special guest played by Brian Sidlauskas. (PC: Prosanta Chakrabarty; Cope text in italics
PC: On this 100th
anniversary of our journal Copeia, I'd like to call our namesake, and Bruce Collette’s college roomate, Edward
PC: Dr. Cope what an absolute honor it is to have you up here with
us. You look remarkably well preserved for someone who has been dead for more
than 120yrs and sick for 150.
COPE: Yes, yes, it must be an honor for yall - not
everyday that you get to meet the Neotype of your own species.
By the way has
someone seen my skull The
knucklehead that made me the Neotype borrowed it from the Academy in
Philadelphia and never brought it back. I thought Lundberg and Sabaj would have
found it by now. Has anyone checked Lundberg’s office?
PC: Well I'd like to ask you what you think about the the journal
COPE: Well I am pleased
by the honor but I wish our impact factor was a whole number. I mean my
personal H-index is higher than all of Copeia! Couldn’t you have named a better
journal after me like Science or Nature or maybe Herpetologica?
PC: How about the ASIH society are we living up to your name?
Well I would be remiss not to mention that I have still
published more papers than everyone in this room combined.
Tom Near (Yale Professor): Othniel C. Marsh says they are mostly crap descriptions
COPE: Stuff it Yale boy, go cuddle
with your grand pappy Marsh!
PC: Fellas, fellas, take it easy, let's get back to the questions
here. Dr. Cope what do you think of the next generation of ichthyologists and
herpetologists here today, the students. Can you speak directly to them.
Well I think they are bunch of sissies – that’s what I think if you really want
to know. All I hear is "I'll never get a job, there are no curator
positions, nah, nah, nah”
think I had a job? I turned down jobs so I could do field work. I had to buy
the house next to me to even have a place to store my specimens. Besides even
Chakrabarty got a friggin job – obviously they’ll hire anyone these days.
|The ghost of E.D. Cope as played by Brian Sidlauskas|
Uh thanks, I guess. They are supposedly making a movie called Bone Wars about
your career and rivalry with Marsh. Marsh was set to be played by James
Gandofini until his recent passing. What do you think of being played by Steve
dandy I suppose. Marsh was going to be played by Tony Soprano and I get the 4th
male lead in Anchorman 2. Maybe that Gandolfini is dead they can replace Marsh
with an actor with a closer resemblance. Maybe Snooki from Jersey Shore or the chubby kid from Jerry McGuire.
hope they don’t say anything about all my STD’s like they did in the book.
Well I gotta ask would you like to clear up the rumor that you regularly dipped
your, uhh…member…in formaldehyde to ease the symptoms of syphilis.
That is an utter falsehood [slams fist on table!]
dipped half my penis in
it was the back half.
Okay then Dr. Cope thank for clearing that up I guess. Thank you again for being such an inspiration to the
COPE: By the way I have not seen a penny of the dues as
royalties for that matter. You know the Academy didn’t want to pay me either
and I’ve been cursing them since. If you ever want your impact factor to be
above one I suggest you pay up. I accept payment in drinks remember my middle
name is Drinker!
afraid that this has gone on long enough. I actually submitted a 1/2 page
species description to Copeia and I just got 18 pages of reviewer comments back,
including accusations of character assassination, specimen theft, collecting
without an approved IACUC protocol and destruction of field sites with dynamite.
Lies, all of it! I have a rebuttal to
also have to go check my H-index. Anyway - adios for Albuquerque, and don’t
forget those drinks later for Edward Drinker.
|Prosanta and E.D. Cope toasting and roasting.|
LATER ON THAT EVENING....Cope's parts in italics
It has been a
great meeting. At this time I want to bring up Dr. Cope once again….to help me
with a toast, so please raise a glass and drink!
Here’s to 100yrs
A hundred years of
cheers, a hundred years of beers
A hundred years of graduate student tears
Here’s to Copeia..
Here’s to 15page
reviews for 5 page species descriptions
Here’s to cold blooded lower vertebrates and mass extinctions
Here’s to Copeia,
the finest fish and herp journal in the land
Here’s to Copeia the ONLY fish and herp journal in the land
Here’s to 100 more
years of our beautiful journal being fresh and new
The first edition was stapled together, the last one will be too
TOGETHER: Well 3 cheers for Copeia. May you last forever and never die!
Nah, nah, nah, hey, hey, hey, goodbye!!!